Developing Emotional Intelligence (Part 2 of 6)
I was working with an organization that was building an affordable housing complex. It had been a long haul of complications and hard work but the end was finally in sight! Our building was nearing completion and the final touches were being made. It was time to clean. I had been given the all-clear by the general contractor to coordinate a cleaning team to ready the apartments. I met the crew of enthusiastic volunteers at the door and led them on a tour of the building. As I walked through I began to notice all the things that I had been told were finished, but still remained undone, some of which impaired our ability to do the cleaning work we had showed up to do. I knew I was frustrated, but felt like I was vocalizing my frustrations in a calm manner, with some minor annoyance. As we travelled through the building however, repeated glances at one of my volunteers told me that how I thought I was coming across (annoyed but contained) was far from how I was being interpreted (angry and aggressive.) This was a significant moment in my journey toward self-awareness. Opportunity knocked on my door and invited me to consider that perhaps others didn’t experience me according to my intentions and that I was making assumptions about how other people were experiencing me.
This was a sobering moment. My intentions were genuine and I truly thought I was modeling good leadership and self-control. If I hadn’t observed the facial expressions of my dear volunteer, I would never have known the impact of my behaviours. No one took the time to help me see that there was an opportunity to do better. I am grateful for gracious volunteers, but it is dangerous for us as leaders to presume that others should consistently be extending this grace to us. In fact, in perceived power-over positions it will be very rare for someone to call us out on our behaviour, so we as leaders need to solicit feedback to understand how we come across. This is a culture builder and a trust builder and makes creating a culture of feedback easier for everyone to participate in.
Two Types of Self-Awareness:
Awareness of my own thoughts and feelings: This awareness helps me notice what factors are contributing to my mood, tone, demeanour, facial expressions, and body language. If I can notice and label my emotions in real-time, or observe the self-talk that is happening in my head in the middle of a conversation, I will be able to manage my outward expressions. (More on Self-Management in the next article.) The key is, AM I NOTICING?
Awareness of how I might be interpreted by others: This self-awareness is also important, like in my story - can I notice when others are reacting poorly to me rather than leaning in and responding well? Can I notice in time to intervene in my own behaviour and offer a course correction for myself? We do need to be careful in this awareness that we do not take our impressions as fact, our own insecurity could be informing our interpretation, but, if we have the courage, we can invite others to clarify how we are coming across and we can offer change if needed. Here the key is, AM I OBSERVING?
Our awareness of what we are experiencing internally and how that is influencing how we are engaging with our world externally is where our power to navigate relationships meaningfully in real-time comes from. This is not an easy process, but with some self-compassion and practice, we can move the needle on growing our awareness.
The Dawning of Awareness
The challenge with awareness is that as humans we are impatient. Once we realize there is something we want to fix or evolve in our lives, we become hyper-aware of our failure to make the change but do not give ourselves time to bring our awareness to the place where it can serve change rather than simply produce shame.
Our ability to notice is a journey. It goes something like this!
OH man.. 6 months ago I did "the thing"! (Face palm.. enter shame... enter courage, OK I can fix this.)
We do "the thing" - two weeks later we realize/notice we did "the thing" (Face palm.. enter shame... I can't believe it, I have to do better... enter wobbly courage, OK I will try to fix this.)
We do "the thing" - we realized/notice it as we were reflecting on our day and heading to bed. (#$(@... enter shame... why do I keep doing this, I suck so bad, I'll never get this right... our courage and belief in our ability to change takes a hit.)
We do "the thing" - it happened just an hour ago, in fact, we may still be reeling from the consequences of it. (#*&($#, #$)*#$, @$%*, enter shame, enter self-condemnation as we become aware of our own pain, and potentially the real-time pain of others - the burden of shame and regret is so heavy, we have been trying to change, but failing miserably. Enter negative self-talk, enter despair, enter self-loathing....... enter the idea to quit!)
Sometimes this is where we quit! But we are on the doorstep of moving from HINDSIGHT (I did "the thing" again) to moving to INSIGHT (I'm in the middle of doing the thing.. right now)
We don't celebrate the fact that we moved from being in complete ignorance of our issue to noticing within the hour the impact. We don't consider that progress, we consider that utter failure. YET, if we had the mindset that this was growth, we could step into the door with self-compassion and catch ourselves in the act, and be able in the middle to maybe make a pivot, or an apology or be vulnerable and share that we noticed and want a do-over. After one or two of these moments, we will begin to notice what leads up to 'the thing" and THIS is where our power can truly kick in. This is where I can make a plan.
Entering the door of FORESIGHT!
When I step into foresight I have my FULL power to do something different, being present in this moment, noticing the cues that point to 'the thing", I can pause, and give myself time to make a different choice. My success in that moment may simply be that I paused, and then made the conscience choice to do it anyway. The difference between this moment and all the others is I have brought myself fully out of the dark and into the light.
Now depending on the situation, this may require more self-reflection, support from others or changes to the environment to truly overcome, but the window of foresight makes this possible.
Can we give ourselves compassion and celebrate the dawning of awareness, rather than punish ourselves for becoming wiser and more aware of the workings of our own heart and mind?
Giving ourselves grace for this journey is TRUE MASTERY!
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