Developing Emotional Intelligence (Part 3 of 6) Self-Management
So far we have unpacked the many factors that affect our communication and the need for self-awareness in discerning which factors are at play in any given interaction we may be experiencing. We have all of this insight into ourselves and if we do not bring self-compassion into the equation we will find ourselves in a depressed pit of self-loathing and shame. (This may be why we avoid deepening our awareness in the first place.)
As we step into the idea of self-management there are some key factors that we can consider.
How we interpret what we become aware of matters! Do we tell ourselves a story about how useless and stupid we are inviting shame into the cocktail or emotions we are already experiencing, or do we immerse this learning in self-compassion and curiosity? Holding things loosely, not as fact but as data! Dr. Susan David in her amazing book Emotional Agility says “Emotions are data, they are not directives. We can show up to our emotions and understand them, but we don’t have to be driven by them.”
We can do something about what we learn about ourselves! We are not victims of our thoughts and feelings however we are very impacted by them. Dr. Caroline, author of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess, offers this insight "We can choose how we respond to life’s events. Our thoughts and emotions don't have to be automatic. We can stand back, observe, and reshape them." This requires awareness (our willingness to look at the inner workings of our thoughts and emotions without judgment) and agency (the belief that we can indeed do something to grow and change.) This could also be called a growth mindset (See Dr. Carol Dweck’s book Mindset for great insight on this.)
Moving forward with a 1% improvement is the key! Emotional intelligence is not something that happens quickly, it is the result of ongoing attention to our inner world and doing the work of becoming our best selves inside and out. Consistency over intensity is what matters here. James Clear in his book Atomic Habits states “The difference a tiny improvement can make over time is astounding. Here's how the math works out: if you can get 1% better each day for one year, you'll end up thirty-seven times better by the time you're done.” Learning to regulate ourselves is a journey we must commit to within ourselves. The journey is the destination, there is no done when it comes to emotional intelligence, there is just better than before.
Self-management is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, allowing us to navigate our emotions and reactions with intention rather than reactivity. It’s an ongoing process that begins with self-awareness and evolves into more nuanced emotional regulation. But how can we develop this essential skill for personal and professional growth? Here are 3 things you can practice to help you manage yourself in a more regulated way:
Notice where you are in the cycle of emotion: One critical step is understanding the cycle of emotion. Emotions often arise from external triggers, like a frustrating conversation or stressful situation. However, once triggered, our body reacts by producing a cocktail of emotions that cycle through our bodies influencing our thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. “It takes your body about 20 minutes to recover from emotional flooding. In this time, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are still circulating in your bloodstream, making it hard to think and communicate clearly.”( Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). Nurturing the habit of noticing where we are in the cycle of emotion helps us take steps to regulate ourselves. Trying to solve things in the heat of the moment rarely works. Excusing yourself or circling back to the conversation may be needed to regulate.
Give your Emotions a name: An important part of this process is accurately labelling our emotions. Many of us use broad terms like “mad,” “sad,” or “frustrated,” but developing a richer emotional vocabulary allows us to distinguish between feeling disappointed, anxious, or hurt. This gives us the power to understand and address our emotions more effectively. The more precisely we identify what we’re experiencing, the easier it becomes to respond appropriately. An important part of this process is accurately labelling our emotions. Many of us use broad terms like “mad,” “sad,” or “frustrated,” but developing a richer emotional vocabulary allows us to distinguish between feeling disappointed, anxious, or hurt. This gives us the power to understand and address our emotions more effectively. The more precisely we identify what we’re experiencing, the easier it becomes to respond appropriately.
Notice what is happening in your body: Finally, regulating our physiology is crucial. Our emotional state is tied to our physical state. When we’re angry, our heart rate rises or our jaws or fists may clench; when we’re anxious, we may feel a tightening in our chest or sweaty palms. Our body knows before our brain does when it is feeling triggered. Becoming aware of these physical signals helps us intervene with intention and insert some deep breaths, some movement, or another strategy to reduce the escalation.
This is awkward and uncomfortable work. It may also create awkward and uncomfortable moments which is why a culture of Psychological safety allows this learning to happen in real-time. However, Dr. Susan David says it best...
“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. But how we navigate our inner world—our thoughts, emotions, and self-stories—is the key to flourishing. Your emotions are data, not fact.” Dr. Susan David.
Which of these strategies are you working on? How is it going? What makes you want to stop?
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